the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I will pee on everything he values.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
