I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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