i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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