as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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