when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
