Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
