Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
