She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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