Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
