Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Its about making memories worth repressing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
