Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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