How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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