Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
