The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I smell like Dick and happiness
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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