Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
