filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
