how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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