Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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