So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
