Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
PANTIES FOUND
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
