Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
