stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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