they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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