i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
soo... how was my night?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
