I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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