you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
