Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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