I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
