I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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