Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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