I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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