Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
