Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
