officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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