wanna go halves on a baby?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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