I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize