This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
