So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
