Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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