He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
