I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
