Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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