i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
