I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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