my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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