sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
