worst night to have a conscience
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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