Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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