dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
