he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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