dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
