I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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