I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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