I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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