We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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