i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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