so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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