So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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