you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
